Congratulations Nick and Chelsey: A Toast to Forever!

by Justin

I missed my best friend’s wedding.

I know, right?? Who does that!? Well…I do.

There were four dudes on this whole planet that my best friend wanted by his side and one of them was me. I was probably going to have to wear some fancy pants, and maybe some ridiculous shoes, but I couldn’t make it.

At some point, I was probably going to have to hold a karaoke microphone and make some remarks about how my best friend now no longer posed a threat to the community of singles, and how they all could rest just a little bit easier in their bunks.

But I couldn’t make it.

Well, with the power of the internet, I’ve got a chance to make something of a speech congratulating my best friend and his new bride. They are having a wedding party today, and I would like to share the toast (and everybody ought to know that I love sharing toast) that I might have made on their special day.

So here…goes…nurfin’…

Nick and Chelsey,

I’m really thrilled to see you two so refreshingly happy together! It’s a tangible kind of happy that I can feel even this far away.

I know that at the beginning of your relationship together, I was something of a party-pooper.

Not today.

Today (my absence aside), I wish to be the least-disgusting conceivable opposite of a party-pooper, and congratulate you with my highest electronic congratulations.

In fact, I hope to say that I am the most happy for you two, even though I acted like a world-class nincompoop about it early on. Congratulations!

Now since a speech…blog…a splog(!) like this wouldn’t be complete without a little jibing: Chelsey, feed and Tang my best friend well please, and Nick – uhm – sort of the same advice, but with beets and water. BEETS and water, I said! I know what you’re sniggering at.

Nick and Chelsey, you guys are aces!

Here’s some toast to your FOREVER!!!

And the bottles clank, and I drop a sweaty karaoke microphone into the next toast-maker’s hand, and the bride and groom live happily ever after.

This really is a lovely party. I wish I could have been there.

Best wishes, you guise!


[Now here’s some tricky business: I’m writing this ahead of time, and I’m trying to time it appropriately for their party in Arizona, but I’ve never got any idea how to tell what time it is in Arizona. Furthermore I can’t even guarantee that I know they’re in Arizona, or if the ninjas have crossed the river into Nevada before this post hits. Dash it all, I’ll just have to schedule the thing and hope for the best.]